Suck It Up

So I'm at the library and find a new YA book about...vampires. What are the odds I'm even going to pick it up? Very very low...however, there was something I couldn't resist about the yellow smiley face with fangs and a straw:

And the story was the same way, after I got past the currently popular misspelling of a cliche ("butt naked," a phonetic version of "buck naked"), the first few bad jokes, and the brief history of vampires in this fictional universe, in which there aren't many "Loner" vampires and all the "Leaguer" (as in the IV League) vampires follow strict rules, including their own version of the modern-day vampire's diet: "if you can get your groceries from the local blood co-op, why waste your nights trapping and sapping?" Lestat only kills the evil-doer, the Cullens only drink from animals, and now Brian Meehl has invented Morning McCobb, a smaller, younger, and seemingly non-blood-thirsty version of a vampire who drinks "Blood Lite" and calls himself "bloodlust-challenged."

One of the fun parts of the story is that Morning wants to be a superhero. He tries on names: "Super-Vamp? Leaguer-Man? Creature of the Right? and then "Blood Lite-Year." His League assignment is to "come out" as a vampire and show the human world how harmless he can be. The ultimate test of his harmlessness is, as the League leader says, to show humans he can be trusted around their daughters. This is hard, because he falls for the daughter of his publicist. At first, neither of them can trust the other, but finally she tells him that it doesn't have to end "with you trying to drink me like a six-ounce Coke," and love prevails.

The title pretty much describes the book, in this case. There's a joke, an attitude, and before you know it, you've devoured the whole thing like the delicious little piece of book-candy it is. It's just right to ease your mood into the carelessness of summer. What other kinds of things are you doing to try to slow down and switch gears?

City of Glass

Cassandra Clare's City of Glass came out last week, and everyone in my household was pleased to hear that it's a wonderful ending to a great YA trilogy. We bought it at a bookstore in the train station in Chicago, and Eleanor read it all the way back to my brother's house in the suburbs, and then every moment she could snatch the next day. There were parts that made her exclaim out loud, and when she handed it to me, she said I should hurry up because she wanted to talk about it with someone. Well, I've been doing my best to hurry up with it all week, because Eleanor left for a band trip in the wee hours of this morning, giving me a deadline in the busiest part of the week, before I could have any free time to read. But City of Glass is a novel you make time to read.

Eleanor and I laughed and I cried out loud while reading this book. At one point I even got angry. I slapped the book shut (with my finger marking my place) and said to her "if I find out Sebastian is Clary's brother, I'm going to be so mad! I mean, listen to this: 'she went numb with an icy shock of wrongness. Something was terribly wrong...' I just can't stand it when somehow a character 'just knows' that it's WRONG to kiss her brother." Eleanor assured me that the feeling of wrongness was not merely about family ties. Eventually, I settled in and learned to trust the storyteller. In the end, I found that the trilogy is about more than just "the importance of being nephilim." In fact, the treatment of the "Downworlders" reminds me of the treatment of house elves, goblins, and other non-wizarding magical creatures in J.K. Rowling's Harry Potter series. I wouldn't say that Clare's fiction is derivative, but rather that her magical world intersects with other fictional magical worlds (most notably Holly Black's, whose characters watch Clare's characters go by, at one point). I especially like the way the Seelie Queen is left flat-footed at the end of this novel; it's immensely satisfying to see someone finally stand up to her. As Captain Jack Sparrow would say, it's all about leverage.

City of Glass brings most of the things I enjoyed in the first two books to satisfying conclusions: the humor, the characterizations of evil, and the love story. In addition, (to Eleanor's quite vocal delight on first reading) it provides a nice little reply to fans of Stephanie Meyers' forever-seventeen vampire Edward in the musings of Clare's vampire Simon:
"Young forever, Simon thought. It sounded good, but did anyone really want to be sixteen forever? It would have been one thing to be frozen forever at twenty-five, but sixteen? To always be this gangly, to never really grow into himself, his face or his body? Not to mention that, looking like this, he'd never be able to go into a bar and order a drink. Ever. For eternity."

There's less humor in this final book, but Magnus Bane still gets a few good lines, including another one about how old he is:
"'I'm seven hundred years old, Alexander. I know when something isn't going to work. You won't even admit I exist to your parents.'
Alec stared at him. 'You're seven hundred years old?'
'Well,' Magnus amended, 'eight hundred. But I don't look it.'"
And even though Magnus promises to play a crucial role in the events of this novel, we're still no more sure we can trust him than Clary is--"she wondered why she'd ever thought trusting someone who wore that much eyeliner was a good idea."
Simon also gets some of the humorous lines in this final novel. Our favorite is:
"Has there ever been an Inquisitor who didn't die a horrible death?" he wondered aloud. "It's like being the drummer in Spinal Tap."

The issues involved in how to fight for good and against evil are nicely nuanced, even in the title City of Glass. The vampire looks "faintly green" at the idea of drinking blood from a cat, because he has a pet cat at home. Clary finally gets to tell her mother that it's not a mother's right to protect her child from who and what she is. And, more importantly, Clary comes up with a clever way to use her magical talents and help her friends, and she succeeds in convincing the entire community of adults that they need her to do it. Valentine meets the end he richly deserves, but not as an entirely black and unlamented villain.

And the love story. It's a good one. Clary won't give in to her own urge to love Jace, early on, because she thinks, as she says to him, he only wants "something else you can hate yourself for." Jace finally tells her "I love you, and I will love you until I die, and if there's a life after that, I'll love you then." And Clary is finally able to say yes to Jace, a sort of Molly Bloom eternal yes that goes a long way towards reconciling me to the angel ex machina way Clary and Jace reach their happy ending.

Once Walker has gotten a turn to read this book, I'm pretty sure Eleanor and I will be rereading it. Because now that our anxiety over what happens is assuaged, we'll want to sit back and enjoy these characters some more.

Edward Cullen meets the Arwens and Aragorns

Check out the new "Edward meets the other dolls" link under my Twilight Commentary sidebar! (via Bookshelves of Doom.)

Twilight Parody

This is the best parody of the Twilight movie ever. Why is it the best? Because it includes other vampires from fiction and popular culture, like Bunnicula.

Since Eleanor wrote the screenplay, I might be a bit prejudiced about it. I appear as a dark mysterious vampire leader. (This is the closest thing to a picture of me on the internet.) Both my kids are in it, as Elf and Edgar, and Ron plays Count Von Count. Some of our pets even make an appearance.

You want to see it. I know you do. Go here:
Part One: Elf and Blade Vampire Movie
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=A2FM-MwyLvw
Part Two: Elf and Blade Vampire Movie
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=mk7URf17pZI

Twilight the Movie: Better Than the Book

The Love That Dare Not Bare Its Fangs

Why is the movie better than the book, in this case? Because there are so many bad puns and references in the reviews! This one doesn't quite make sense (the original phrase is a 19th-century euphemism for homosexuality, used at the trial of Oscar Wilde).

I loved the made-up dialogue between the two lead actors at the premiere here (courtesy of Bookshelves of Doom).

"Nothing to sink your teeth into," says my local newspaper. "The chaste romance might be appropriate, but it is also, well, bloodless."

Aurgh! "Appropriate" to what? Its PG13 rating? The IQ of its fan base? The gloom of my holiday season with no Harry Potter movie?

Eleanor's review of Twilight

When Eleanor read yesterday's post, she said that I had described her like a typical teenager. So she's the guest writer today, demonstrating that, unlike most of the other girls in her high school, she's not a big fan of Stephanie Meyer's book Twilight:

Twilight. I know you’ve heard of it. I know you’ve seen it, peering out from every available cranny of any bookstore you might go. I also know that you’ve probably heard everyone who’s read it state a passionate opinion of what they thought. I’ve seen people who would rather read a calculator manual than even pick up a Stephanie Meyers book. Of course I also have a friend who bought all three books… twice, just because she loved them so much. Whatever your opinion may be Twilight is an important book of the time period mostly because everyone has heard of it.
I read Twilight and I have to say that I really didn’t think much of it. It wasn’t terrible though, it was just about, well, vampires. It was an all right book but I couldn’t see why everyone made such a big deal about it. I take that back, it’s obvious why, because it’s about a normal (ish) girl who has a totally flawless vampire fall in love with her. This book is giving every fan girl the story they want. Mysterious, dark and handsome guy falls madly in love with the story’s brave heroine but problems arise and eventually true love overcomes all. Throw in some bad flirting, some sparkles, some really obvious mysteries (what? You’re a vampire? No way I thought every normal guy has totally white skin, super powers and cuts class when we have to find our blood type!) And you’ve got yourself a best selling novel.
Well aside from how everyone already knew that Edward was a vampire and Bella took about 300 pages to figure it out, the plot of Twilight wasn’t really that bad. I even laughed at some of the random details of being a vampire (Edward likes 50’s music, well I guess he was around back then so…) and there were some occasional moments of action that really kept the pages turning.
But unfortunately there were the characters. Bella is an annoying twit of character who spends half the book whining even though everyone worships her. “Oh no oh no I’m so clumsy!” Well, gee, sorry Bella why don’t we all just give you piggyback rides everywhere like your slave boyfriend? And the worst part is Bella’s one flaw (her tragic clumsiness) doesn’t, forgive my pun, trip her up that much. She trips about twice through the whole book but there is a lot of tripping anticipation. “Oh no! I’m about to get raped in a dark alley by some guys twice my height!” Well Bella, did you ever think about running away? “If I run, I’ll trip and fall! Oh quick Edward, save me!” I’ll trip and fall huh? Sounds to me like a self-fulfilling prophecy.
Then there is her unfortunate love slave, Edward. Edward lacks one of the most important traits a character must have, a personality. Well he has one, it just sort of… changes… a lot. But don’t worry it’s all ok; we can just describe him in an almost identical way in every single chapter! I quickly became tired of hearing the same phrases every time Edward would say, enter a room, or look at Bella, or breathe! It’s probably some sort of brain melting technique designed to create legions of Edward fan girls all swaying back and forth, mechanically chanting the same words in unison. The other flaw in the character of Edward is his complete lack of … flaws. He can moan all he wants about how dangerous and horrible a monster he is but Bella doesn’t buy it. Edward, just get rid of the vampire angst and accept that you are perfect. Seriously there are no negative side affects of being a vampire, so why doesn’t everyone do it? Well they say it hurts a bunch when you turn into one but seriously, eternal life, youth and beauty versus a little bit of pain? I don’t know about you guys but living forever doesn’t sound that bad to me, especially when all your friends can do it with you!
With two leading characters like this even a great plot can’t save the book. It really doesn’t help that all of Bella’s other friends are interesting for about two chapters until they all get randomly paired up and then shoved out of the story. This is the phenomenon that is Twilight, erotic descriptions of one dimensional characters sending what could have been a pretty good book into a bit of a crash and burn. But of course it’s ok, Bella can get piggyback rides from Edward and Edward’s one consistent characterization is that he sure loves Bella. By the end of the book I satisfied myself by thinking that however pathetic they are, Edward and Bella definitely deserve each other.

She didn't write this in her review, but Eleanor says that when she and her friends produce Twilight, the musical, Edward will be continually bursting onto the stage to sing "because I LOVE you, Bella!" and the program illustration is going to be two hands holding... not an apple, but a big clove of garlic.